Silly story from my journal 2 years ago by Joey M.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a 5 year old kid, trouncing in God's house with muddy shoes, disrespecting him, yet he smiles and shakes his head. "I love that boy so much. I'll allow him to keep messing up my carpet, but I do wish he'd ask me what I want." I fear the asking because of an expectation. I don't want to fear God. I don't want to feel distanced…. When it becomes unavoidable I don't want to play any more. " I see your lips moving but I don't hear any word coming out of your mouth." This is why we continually talk AT god instead of listening. We know that mud sliding is fun, but we don't want to hear that we can't walk on the carpet with muddy shoes; we don't wanna hear that we can only play in "that" room if we want to be in God's house. What I think I'm missing is God playin in that room with me, or saying that he's looking forward to playing with me "here" after dinner. Instead he chases me through the house as I scream up and down the stairs and everywhere I should not be. I resent him when he puts me back outside to deal with my muddy shoes when im good & ready. Or puts me in "that" room without him. He relies patience. "after dinner"
God seems so clean. I think I want to make a few footprints just to see if he's still the same. I wanna play in the mud but it's no fun without him. God also wants to show me his foozeball table, but I won't play it b/c im bitter about the mud still. I certainly miss a lot b/c of my indignancy. "I know you don't like the mud ALL the time, Joey. I'll show you the sweetities of other stuff if you take off your shoes." He tried tos how me scuba diving. I had a hard time cuz I wouldn't take off my tennies. I wanted to be ready when mud time came again. I think I really liked scuba diving, cept I couldn't manuver as I'd like. Secretly, I don't think I'll like mud wrestling anymore if I'd take my shoes, but I don't want to give up something I know I've liked before. What if he introduces me to pingpong or salsa dancing? What if I get to like them mover than mud-playing and don't want to do them anymore? Why I'll certainly feel silly for ever have liked mudding so much! So this is what I'll do. I'll only do the things that I can with my shoes on. God gets frustrated with me. "joey, you're not doing it right. You're not enjoying my pleasures the way they were meant to work," he says as he helps my shoes off. "I'll set these right next to the door so you can get them after dinner, k? c'mon my love, your sister needs someone to play cards with." Whoa whoa whoa. NEEDS? How about wants? I don't like that obligation you're putting on me here. God walks to a chair to watch us play. "just what do you think you're doing?!" I protest. " I wanted to play cards with you!"
"I'm just taking a different role now. I'll judge your game. I'm still involved, just not what you expected when you took off your shoes." I feel cheated. I wanna play with him, not this smiling bitch… she does have a nice smile though. Damn im such a jerk. I don't desrve any of this. I sulk. God lifts my head. "hey now. I love you. Who said anything about deserving?"
"well what about those kids outside?"
"you can come invite them in. they won't want to come though. They like their muddy shoes too much," he says coyly.
"but you let me in…"
"look, child. She's waiting to play. You can go invite the others in later."
"I don't WANT to play cards with her. I want to play cards with YOU!"
"ok fine. I'll help you." He pulls a card from my hand while I sit on his lap. "Let's lay this one, mmm?" She smiled. My stomach flipped. She laid her jack on ours.
"what now?"
"what do you think?" I pointed to a queen. "let's see…" Ohh she didn't like that at all! "Girls don't like to lose," he chuckled. "you're playing well thought. That's how the game's meant to be played."
She looks frustrated. "why aren't you helping her?" I ask.
"I am"
"it doesn't look like it…"
"trust me I am. I'm holding her the same way I am you. She didn't want to play with you at first either." He smiled. "go on. Play more." She played. Then I. Then back and forth until it made a pattern… sort of. It was gorgeous. She was gorgeous. God moved out of control and we both began to play passionately. I got stuck once or twice and god lent a hand, but more he just watched and enjoyed our card playing.
I looked at God. "don't you feel bored not being in control?"
Smiling at the cards, "you think you did this on your own? I helped. And what's more I didn't do it just for the picture." He turned to me. "it brings me joy to see you working together."
The game had stopped. She placed her last card and looked at me. We had made it together, this pattern. It was amazing. I had fell in love with her I think. She was waiting; a smile still slightly present beneath her suspecting eyes.
"what now? Can I kiss her?" I asked God. She didn't hear.
"you can puncher her for all I care. You can play as you'd like now." I looked back. Still smiling slightly as her head dipped a little; she was pleased to be with me. She had no idea what hit her. We rolled over and I almost pinned her, but she snuck out. Laughing I started to get up, but she threw me down from behind. Rolling over she pinned my right arm with her knee and was struggling with my left. I stopped. Where had God gone? I looked and couldn't see anyone but her. Had he left me with her all alone? I didn't want to play anymore, until I realized it was he who was pinning my right arm as she was trying with all her might to get my left.
"Girls don't like to lose" he said with a shrug. I let my left arm go limp.
"Ha!" she huffed, and smiled at me, evidently very proud of herself. I looked into her eyes and kissed her forehead. We sat up. I wonder if she knows god held my other arm. It didn't matter.
"it's dinner time," God said. As we ate I saw my shoes by the door. There was another pair there now, much cleaner… and purple. The girl's. my girl's. she was gonna play in the mud with me. Before I was doen eating she got up and began putting on her shoes. "c'mon' she said. "food time is over." I went to my shoes and found them untied. Where is god I wondered again. I don't know how to tie my own. "try" she encouraged me. As soon as I put on my shoes they tied themselves. Where was god? Was he invisible to me as he'd been helping her before? But why couldn't I see him now? That irritated me. He said we'd be playing in the mud. I pulled open the door frustratedly as my girl squeezed by and ran out. There he was; already outside.
He pushed some of the children inside, and others towards my girl.
"take off your shoes!" he yelled after some. then he turned to me with a wink and said, "I've been waiting for you." He turned and helped my girl guide some toward the porch. She couldn't move them on her own. "still waiting on you."
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1/04/2010 6:08 PM