Stories for the Kid At Heart

Chapter 1
The Stupid Birth

Some children are very bright. They know to look both ways when crossing the street. Others are very keen. They can spot a lie in a cloud of truths. Still other little ones are funny or smart or even a little precocious.

But not Joey. Joey was born stupid. No one's quite sure how he got that way, although it's suspected that the dullness of one parent and the apathy of the other mixed to create Joey. Nevertheless, on one fateful night, Joey was born. He came out not crying, but looking rather perplexed, as he did not know what he was supposed to do on the day of his birth.

Joey the Stupid (as he was often called) grew and became a normal looking boy with a stout nose and wide eyes. His arms were long and his legs just as skinny. If it weren't for his stupidity, he might have been accepted and even had friends. But Joey the Stupid could never get anything right.

He could not tie his shoes correctly (it took him long enough to figure out they were supposed to go on his feet). He could not eat without dribbling. He shot footballs into basketball hoops and basketballs into volleyball nets. He once fed an injured puppy a hissing tarantula.

At night Joey wished on every blade of grass (he didn't know other boys wished on stars) that he could be smart like the other kids. He even offered to trade one of his limbs for just a smidgen of intelligence, but to no avail. Joey was stupid.

He did not know that soon his fortunes would change. But it would come at a great price. Oh yes, a great price indeed.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/24/2006 11:40:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

This just in... little red ridinghood, was neither red, nor riding anything; it turns out that her name was given to her by an communist desendent of paul revere. hoping that this story would rally support against the big bad wolf like democracies, he died of a heart attack when it was recieved as a delightful children's story warning people of wolves.

On another note, his book on how to tell understandable parables never sold a single copy... ever.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/24/2006 11:36:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Moon Star. She was named so because she was born under the moon and when her parents first looked at her, her eyes shone like the stars. Moon Star was indeed a beautiful little girl and when she danced the light of the world flew in and out of her little fingers.

As Moon Star grew she became lonely and longed for a companion. One day she was dancing and she danced right off the edge of her world. As she fell she felt strong arms catch her and carry her off into the night. The gentle rush of the wind lulled her to sleep. When she woke, she found herself in a forest full of creatures of all shapes and sizes. They stared at her with curious eyes. Frightened, she ran away from the creatures and into the darkness of the forest.

Soon she found herself lost and sank to her knees in despair. Her tears watered the plants beneath her and they grew to reach her face and comfort her. Suddenly she heard a rustle and a deep voice behind her. She turned around and found herself facing the tender curiosity of a young man. His eyes were kind and she took his hand as he extended it to her. His name was Dark Fire, for there was no darkness that could not be lighted by his passion for living things.

They walked hand in hand through the forest, listening to the murmur of the creek and whistle of the trees. They talked endlessly. He told her that it was he who saved her from the edge of the earth and when he discovered she was missing, he’d gone to look for her. She taught him the name of the stars and how to dance to their coming and going.

It wasn’t long before they fell in love. Him because of her quiet grace. Her because of his flight and steadiness. They held each other close and made love under the whispers of the willows. He inhaled the scent of her hair and she the salt of his skin. They swore they would never be apart.

A child of the moon cannot escape the sky from which she is born. When the moon saw her clandestine love affair, she told the King. Infuriated, the King called Dark Fire to his chambers where he cursed him to the depths of the waters, never to surface and shine his light again.

Wrought with sorrow, Moon Star begged her father to reconsider but to no avail. Choked with grief but still undefeated, she called upon the stars for help. The stars loved Moon Star and agreed to distract the King so she could escape.

One night while the King slept, the stars blazed over his canopy. It was so bright that he thought it was day and began to rise in preparation for the day. Meanwhile, Moon Star slipped out and walked to the edge of the earth. She closed her eyes and leaped.

Into the lake of the world she plunged. Deeper and deeper she sank until she felt nothing but ice. Then, just when the world was going dark, she felt a fire in her heart and a hand around hers. For one moment in time, the moon was lit afire, and all the creatures of the world stopped to admire its glow.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/24/2006 11:35:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

Dearest Roommate,

I know that between classes, sightseeing and juicing you wouldn't be able to see The Inferno even if Irish TV captured it, so I thought I would update you on our latest obsession. The Good Guys won the last challenge, which happened to be a triathlon. They had a lead the whole way because CT was screaming at Tonya, who then fell into the water on the first part of the mission, which was rowing to the shore. By the third part of the mission run Tonya and Tina couldn't run anymore and the guys had to carry them for parts of the run. It was a very bittersweet moment for me because although I was happy for the Good Guys for winning, I just didn't want all the fun to end. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Now I have nothing to live for.

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My mom is in the hospital, but I think she's getting out today. She's been in there since Wednesday. She had intestinal blockage. They had to stick this tube down her throat to get it out, but it looks really cool. Intestinal blockage looks like kiwi. The nurse and I thought it was pretty cool, but everyone else was grossed out.

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Roommate-

I would like to share a sad story with you. I was thinking today about what my away message is going to be whenever I come to visit you at your apartment this school year. It's going to be 'yellow fever'.

-Roommate

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Roommate-

I'm sorry I made you stay up so late talking that you slept in late and missed the cow boobies. There's nothing better than Irish cow boobies. So, I yanked off some dead skin off my lips and got large chunks of live skin as well. My lips are quite in pain today. And my uterus is rampaging villages.

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Posted by The mini ninja at 8/03/2006 12:19:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

There once was an Englishman living the life of riley on his own private island. He spent most of his days lounging away, being waited on hand and foot by his loyal servant Jerrod. He used to be an explorer and one day he came upon the island he now calls home. He stayed there for a few days and discovered that he had never been happier to survive. He began hunting the wild boars, which were plentiful on the island. He used a large stick that had been sharpened to a point.

One day, as he was hunting on a cold rainy midsummer's day, he noticed a rustling coming from behind him.

He stopped, looked around, and after not hearing it for a few minutes, continued hunting the boars. A few minutes later, in a different area of the island, he heard the rustling again. Now he was getting really nervous, having never heard anything quite like it before. He stopped for a good 5 minutes searching high and low for the creature behind the rustling. After giving up again, he once again heard something else. This time it surrounded him. Frightened, he yelled, “Who are u and what do u want?”

Suddenly, out of the shadows, sprang of the largest animals he had ever seen. They were similar to the boars he was hunting but twice as big.

Then, suddenly, it dawned on him. He had been spearing their babies

Never had he seen more ferocious creatures before; they wanted to devour him whole in retribution. He turned around threw his spear and began running.

He barreled past the boars and made a break for his barge, yelling at the top of his lungs.
He evaded them for a good 5 minutes, an impressive feat indeed.. But then, he stumbled over a stone and fell to the ground.

The boars kept charging at him and soon reached him. They swiftly surrounded him and the largest of the beasts bared his teeth and ripped his head off in one fell swoop.

Blood spurted out of his head, which the pigs eagerly lapped up. They then picked his bones clean, full and full of glee for avenging their fallen children. They also devoured his trusty servant Jerrod, who never saw it coming and died shrieking like a little sissy girl.

The end.

The moral of the story: Don’t eat anyone’s children.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/03/2006 12:14:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

They said she never went around without a bologna sandwich in her hand. Lettuce and tomatoes were precisely placed between 2 slices of her favorite food in the world- bologna. It was slathered with Kraft 98% Fat Free mayonnaise and mustard, and then slapped into the fluffiest white bread her momma could bake. This sandwich was a sandwich to die for. And indeed she did…

I killed her. It was genius on my part, if I do say so myself. No, she wasn’t a snoop, and she wasn’t somebody I’ve held a deep resentment for. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that’s what did her in. I was taking a long soak in my new whirlpool, dreaming about my new yellow Porsche that everyone would be terribly jealous of. It was wonderfully relaxing, dreaming and knowing about all the expensive things I owned. And then, the previous weekend struck me like a thunderclap. I had been to Kmart. Kmart. Just the mere remembrance sent shudders through my being. Naturally, even if I was in Kmart, I wouldn’t buy anything. Too lower class. I much prefer Coach, or Kate Spade, or Gucci. I was on my way out the door when something caught my eye. A pair of shoes. Not just any pair of shoes. Shoes with white tips. I had to have them right away. The price- $3.99. The coast- clear. Or so I thought.

I don’t know what came over me, but the next thing I knew I had a bag in my hands with those shoes and I felt immensely satisfied. I was just about to make my getaway when I heard a chomp. Chomp chomp chomp. Then I saw it. A piece of bologna on the floor. And another. As my eyes traveled down the aisle I saw bologna bits lining the path I had just walked. Eerie, I thought. Just as I was about to call myself crazy, I saw her. A woman with autumn red curly hair, munching away at a bologna sandwich, curiously following me and obviously wondering what a high class person such as myself would be doing in Kmart. Then her eyes caught the bag, and she realized that I had bought the shoes.

She threatened to turn me in to the fashion police, and I couldn’t have that happen, I just couldn’t. That would be the ruin of Hollywood for me.

I hurried over to the Chemical department of Kmart. I dissolved sulfuric acid and then shaped them into cubes, just like sugar cubes. I told the girl they would be mighty delectable to eat with that bologna sandwich of hers. And I made her eat them…

The police found her lying peacefully in the Meat section, with the bologna barely touching her lips and a smile, the last joy she would ever receive from that bologna sandwich. And I, with my fabulous blue white-tipped shoes, walked out the door with my dog, who gave me a quick wink with his one blue eye.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/02/2006 11:41:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Sally and Molly were walking home from school one day. Sally was new in town, and Sally and Molly were getting to be really good friends. As they separated at the corner where Molly turned left and Sally turned right, Sally called out,

"Hey, Molly, ya wanna come over to my house and have dinner tonight? My mom cooks real good."

"Well, yeah, sure, just one thing."

"Yeah?"

"Your mom can't cook chicken.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm afraid of it."

" Well, we're having a surprise for dinner today, but I don't know if it will be chicken because my mom rarely ever cooks chicken."

"Okay then, I'll see you tonight!"

"See ya!"

Later that day, Molly walked to Sally's house for the surprise dinner. She couldn't wait to find out what they were going to eat. Little did Molly know what was she was in for.

Sally and Molly were seated at the dining room table, waiting for the main course.

Suddenly her mom swished in and before them was a big, silver, platter. Since Sally's home was very old fashioned, the father did all the cutting and handing out. And he gave Molly a big piece of chicken!!!

"NO!" she cried out. "It's chicken! I can't stand chicken!"

"Oh, shut up," said the mother. "Children must be seen and not heard."

So the father forced her down to eat the chicken. And she had to.

"Ok, but you'll be sorry."

She took a small piece of chicken and all at once she began shaking and trembling. Than she started getting coppered spots on her. Then she had feathers and huge, beady, black eyes and a sharp beak! And far worse, it was growing 10 times the size of itself every minute!

"Run! Run for your lives!" shouted the father.

But it was too late. Molly the Chicken, which by the way was a giant chicken by now, and Molly ate up Sally's whole family except Sally.

Sally and Molly the Chicken were never seen again, but it is heard that they were last seen in a chicken shop, getting rid of all the chickens.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/02/2006 11:39:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Chapter 3

Princess Heda had healed and saved Wart's life and invited him to her father's kingdom for drink and merriment. So off they went, the princess flitting along and Wart swimming like a chunk of lard bobbling through the water (but he was getting the hang of it).

Now that she was over her shyness, the princess rattled on about all the wonders of her home, how powerful King Hudo was among the fishes and how her brothers played pranks on her but felt bad later and bought her seaweed cream, how her favorite palace guard, Mr. Fillet, watched her grow up when her dad was busy ruling the kingdom, and how the snails always delayed morning traffic but were so nice about it that everyone forgave them and of course, she talked about Zedu, her boyfriend. Well, sort of boyfriend. No one knew because Zedu was born as a servant and it was forbidden for royalty to date a servant.

Still, the princess loved him and as she swam alongside Wart, she smiled as she thought of him and imagined his open arms as he embraced her and all the fun times they would have together.

Wart was mostly quiet the whole time, listening to her chatter and imagining the world of wonder that Princess Heda was laying before his fins. He had never seen it, but already he planned to live there for the rest of his piggy days.

After a few hours, they came upon a high iron gate as far and deep as the eye could see.
Princess Hedu raced excitedly to the gate and started shouting names. Nothing but the echo of her voice answered her. Again she called, but again there was nothing.

"What is wrong, princess?" asked Wart.

The princess did not answer, but with a cold grimace, slowly pushed upon the gate and swam through. Wart timidly followed behind her, and as he passed through the gate, the coldness of the water seeped into his bones. He was so busy trying to keep himself warm that he did not notice that the Princess had stopped, and thus bumped straight into her. He was about to apologize, but then noticed the expression on her face. It had gone blank, as if life itself had left her as quickly as it had been given to her.

He looked ahead.

There were no sparkles or bubbles. No shine or shimmy. There was nothing but fear and death.

Windows and doors of every store and house had been smashed in. Walls were splashed with blood. And everywhere a loving member of the kingdom lay motionless. Without a sound, the Princess rushed into the palace where her family lived. At the front door, she found Mr. Fillet on the floor, his fin grasped to his bloody chest, fighting for his life.

"Oh Mr. Fillet!" she cried, cupping his face in her fins. "What happened?!"

"The sharks!" he gasped. "The sharks! We had no warning. Your family...oh princess, your family..."

She heard a gurgling sound and he was dead.

Fighting to keep her sanity, she struggled on into the lobby area and past all the bedrooms, calling each of her siblings’ names. All her cries went unanswered.

Finally, her eyes rested on the throne. There her father lay - King Hudo the magnificent,
King Hudo the magnanimous - now humbled and broken on his throne.

The princess threw herself over her father's shattered body.

"Oh father!" she sobbed. "Forgive me. Forgive me!"

"My darling Heda," he whispered, "You are our now our only hope.”

"What must I do?" she replied, leaning carefully across him.

"Take the chain off my neck. You must avenge the blood of your family, the blood of our kingdom."

She did as she was told. Around his neck lay a thin gold chain, laced with pieces of fine silver. The chain carried a little skeleton key no bigger than a scale.

"I don't understand..." But King Hudo was no more.

Out of her little chest escaped a moan like nothing the kingdom had ever heard. It is said that if you swim over what was once King Hudo's Kingdom, you can still hear her wail.

Wart found her crouched over the king's lifeless body. With what grace a warthog could muster, he gently cradled her in his arms and carried her out of the palace.

"Zedu..." she whispered..."Zedu..." But the arms that carried her were Wart's.

Wart caught her last words before exhaustion overwhelmed her.

"Vengeance. Sharks. Vengeance..."

The end.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/01/2006 03:29:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Chapter 2

Wart's lifeless body hit the bottom of the creek bed with a thump. The sound reverberated throughout the water. Most animals ignored the sound. Animals die every day, and you just can't get hung up on stuff like that.

Posted by The mini ninja at 8/01/2006 03:13:00 PM | Permalink | Comments