Death of Bologne Girl by Jen
They said she never went around without a bologna sandwich in her hand. Lettuce and tomatoes were precisely placed between 2 slices of her favorite food in the world- bologna. It was slathered with Kraft 98% Fat Free mayonnaise and mustard, and then slapped into the fluffiest white bread her momma could bake. This sandwich was a sandwich to die for. And indeed she did…
I killed her. It was genius on my part, if I do say so myself. No, she wasn’t a snoop, and she wasn’t somebody I’ve held a deep resentment for. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that’s what did her in. I was taking a long soak in my new whirlpool, dreaming about my new yellow Porsche that everyone would be terribly jealous of. It was wonderfully relaxing, dreaming and knowing about all the expensive things I owned. And then, the previous weekend struck me like a thunderclap. I had been to Kmart. Kmart. Just the mere remembrance sent shudders through my being. Naturally, even if I was in Kmart, I wouldn’t buy anything. Too lower class. I much prefer Coach, or Kate Spade, or Gucci. I was on my way out the door when something caught my eye. A pair of shoes. Not just any pair of shoes. Shoes with white tips. I had to have them right away. The price- $3.99. The coast- clear. Or so I thought.
I don’t know what came over me, but the next thing I knew I had a bag in my hands with those shoes and I felt immensely satisfied. I was just about to make my getaway when I heard a chomp. Chomp chomp chomp. Then I saw it. A piece of bologna on the floor. And another. As my eyes traveled down the aisle I saw bologna bits lining the path I had just walked. Eerie, I thought. Just as I was about to call myself crazy, I saw her. A woman with autumn red curly hair, munching away at a bologna sandwich, curiously following me and obviously wondering what a high class person such as myself would be doing in Kmart. Then her eyes caught the bag, and she realized that I had bought the shoes.
She threatened to turn me in to the fashion police, and I couldn’t have that happen, I just couldn’t. That would be the ruin of Hollywood for me.
I hurried over to the Chemical department of Kmart. I dissolved sulfuric acid and then shaped them into cubes, just like sugar cubes. I told the girl they would be mighty delectable to eat with that bologna sandwich of hers. And I made her eat them…
The police found her lying peacefully in the Meat section, with the bologna barely touching her lips and a smile, the last joy she would ever receive from that bologna sandwich. And I, with my fabulous blue white-tipped shoes, walked out the door with my dog, who gave me a quick wink with his one blue eye.
